Allow me to choose four, five or even nine men, just as my wildest imagination shall chose.
I’ll pick them with different shapes and sizes, one of them will be dark and the other will be blonde. Tall or maybe short, they are to be Chosen from different denominations, religions, races and nations. And I promise you there will be harmony.
Create a brand new positive law for me, or may be a divine one. Make me a new law under the umbrella of the fatwa and fantasies, those which you unanimously agree on suddenly and without any advance notice.
Those were Saudi journalist Nadine Al Bedair’s words in her article for the Egyptian independent daily newspaper Al Masry Al Youm in her article “Me and my four husbands” on December 11th. She spoke hypothetically about how she would pick them, and she gave examples of how diverse her choices would be. Al Arabiya pointed out that she used all the justifications that men usually use:
In the article, Bedair asks why men have the right to get bored of being with one woman and therefore have the right to marry another three, while women do not.
…
Bedair then asks what happens when the woman gets bored as well or rather if she has not been enjoying her marital life from the very beginning.
In her article, she explained that her own belief in monogamy made her think about this kind of “make them feel what we feel” strategy that was described by a cleric as an “appeal for people to wake up and see how badly some women are treated by their husbands.”
Many reacted to her article by denouncing it as vomit, inflammatory, and anti-Islamic. Even an Egyptian MP has taken up that gauntlet, filing a legal complaint against the Al Masry Al Youm, accusing it of promoting vice.
In his comment on the article, Farag Esmail wrote, “What our colleague (referring to the editor in chief) allowed here is an unpaid aid for “prostitution”. A young woman with no shame writing to ask for four, five or even nine men!”
After arbitrarily accusing Al Bedair of promoting prostitution, he added an irrelevant and unprofessional comment, calling her “the Saudi woman who always intends to wear a short skirt and calls herself modern.”
Several others, including Dr. Abdul-Fattah Idris, professor of contemporary jurisprudence in al-Azhar University, and Sheikh Abdullah Al Manea, also seem to think that Al Bedair (and not just her article) is shameful.
Bikya Masr brought both teams: Sheikh Mohamed Gama’i argued that in the Qur’an, there is a reason for polygamy, and said that, “…no woman has the right to attack our traditions in this manner. She should be stopped.”
And others, including Sheikh Amr Zaki, who runs a mosque in downtown Cairo, said:
People should wake up and look at how women can be treated by their husbands and the fact that in our world today polygamy should be unacceptable. There is no need for it and besides, no man can truly love more than one woman and vice versa.
For those who didn’t realize Al Bedair’s aim, Aisha Gawad from elan provides an interpretation for the article:
I am not advocating polygamy for women or men. And I don’t want to speak for Ms. al-Bedair, but I have a feeling she is not advocating for it either. I believe she was trying to make a point about the inequalities that exist in many polygamous marriages…
A week later, Al Bedair came back with another article, “Finally you know the taste of anger”:
During the past few days and after the publication of my article entitled “Me and my four husbands”, words have spread that I want to meet a group of men, although I need only one. One who is by my own definition of the romantic lover doesn’t exist.
She then asked:
Finally you’re starting a revolution? Just because my words are telling the story of equality?
Finally you’re starting a revolution? When I only painted your pictures that but with only switching the roles?
What about me? What is supposed to be happening to me now from all that pain that has been being stored in me by practicing polygamy against me all that time?
And then she defended her previous article, pointing the finger back at those who pointed it at her:
You have emptied the article from all content and meaning, instead of getting my point, in the pursuit of justice which will make marriages happier, by my questions because I know, as you do, that most of our marriages are unhappy and boredom usually comes after the first year. Solution always exists for men (via polygamy) but what are women supposed to do?
In her answer for a question about polygamy, Egyptian first lady mentioned that polygamy must be fought by education rather than by laws.
I completely agree, laws can’t end polygamy, but people can. Egyptian law gives the woman the right to divorce in case her husband marries another woman. Religion never forced two women into staying married to the same man, yet a lot of women actually do agree. Until such culture is changed, no laws can change minds, and for that I actually appreciate what Al Bedair is trying to do by her words.
Tags: Egypt, marriage, multiple husbands, multiple wives, Nadine Al Bedair, polgamy, polgyny, sexism, slander
Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest applies to almost everything in life.Marriage as an institution is no different.
If some practice or accepted ritual is strong enough,it would stand the tests of time,not otherwise.
Many practices people thought extremely important few centuries ago are gone today.Similarly current people and their accepted rituals will all fade and make way for a new set of people and new rules of the game.
Same would hold true for polygamy or monogamy,this current discussion on the topic of polygamy is just one very small movement towards polygamy’s survival (of fittest theory) or eventual decline
Culture maybe, but is it boredom? I wouldn’t say that. I did not stipulate in my marriage contract that I did not want polygamy and even though we have spoken about re-writing the contract I have been lazy, or maybe stupid, or both.
An Imam once said that women are selfish for wanting to keep their husbands to themselves, hmmm, yeah, that makes sense. I don’t want my hubby going to another woman’s bedroom or another home altogether. This Imam referred to women as “petty”. Well, I take marriage very seriously, and I want to spend my whole life with this man, so how could a big decision that will affect any woman’s relationship be considered petty.
On the other hand, why in the world would any woman want to marry two men? They are big babies who can hardly help themselves…2 of them? Maybe it’s just me.
That woman is my hero. I definitely would love to have 4 boyfriends and have them NEVER find out about each other. Ohhh boy.
The problem with the discussion is that it ignores all the serious and legitimate justifications for polygyny.
1) There is a biological basis which makes its occurrence more likely than the reverse; this is why >95% of human societies has been polygynous, including modern societies where only monogamous marriage is recognized by law and second wives are called ‘mistresses’. The difference is that polygyny recognizes legal rights for the women and children of such unions.
2) Polygyny provides more choice/options to women, not men, generally speaking. In a polygynous regime, women can choose from a large pool of men, both single and married, whereas men can only choose from a (smaller) pool of single women. It is a rare man who can afford to provide for several wives, and there are plenty of women who prefer to be with a successful man (even if he’s taken) than to have an unsuccessful man all to themselves. Our newspapers are full of such case studies. Polygyny can work in favour of women.
Steps should definitely be taken to ensure that men treat all women with chivalrous intent and live up to the extra duties that come with such unions, but banning polygyny doesn’t get rid of the problem of male callousness; it pushes society towards serial monogamy and underground relationships, and it gets rid of options that can potentially be of benefit to women.
I agree, of course, that women should not be forced to stay in any marriage that is detrimental to her well-being; the right of divorce is important.
“Religion never forced two women into staying married to the same man, yet a lot of women actually do agree.”
Often because they have viable alternative.
I lived in Lahore for a time, and in my work I encountered many, many women who were stunned/hurt/outraged/frustrated by the introduction of a second wife, but they accepted it because: their families didn’t want them back; they had children to care for and no prospects of alternate support; they were not educated enough to get a job to support themselves; their socio-economic environment was such that they would meet with great family and social disapproval in seeking employment that might place them in a more public situation.
Just as the ability for a man to take multiple wives is a sign of his wealth and/or power in society, so it is equally a sign of women’s lack of both in the same society. Of course her readership would mostly miss the point of her article: for them there is no possibility of “equality” for women in mirror-image terms; it would not be the “natural order” of things. It seems her other work is more on target than this article. I don’t read arabic, however, so cannot respond directly to it.
Focusing efforts on giving women equality through social and economic empowerment and independence would go much further in reducing the number of men who seek second wives for at least two reasons: empowered women in marriages would hold more leverage in the relationship, and empowered women who are single would be less inclined to enter into an already established marriage.
I understand that some women are fine with sharing a husband and accept it, and that’s great. Rather than engaging in thought experiments that are guaranteed to stir up unproductive anger among a conservative patriarchal readership, more analysis should be done about helping women achieve meaningful measures of power and equality in their terms.
I agree with everything camila wrote, and was coming on here to make a similar comment. While changing laws may not instantly change people minds, it is still the key to ending polygyny. Just because divorce is an option doesn’t justify the practice continuing, since, as camila said, many women feel they have to stay in a marriage for financial or family reasons–particularly in societies where there are fewer recourses and protections and opportunities for women (often the same societies where polygyny is accepted, which is of course no coincidence).
Outlawing the practice will work to end it eventually, and will provide legal protection to women whose husbands disregard the law. There is an Islamic justification for disallowing polygamy (the stipulation that wives must be treated equally, which is “impossible”) and Turkey and Tunisia have banned the practice using this interpretation.
I am thrilled that Nadine al Bedair has been brave enough to speak up about the double standard and expose the weak justifications for its continuing legality. I’m not surprised at the response, and while it’s disheartening, at least a debate has begun and perhaps others will speak out as well.
@antoine
“this is why >95% of human societies has been polygynous”
uh…reference, please? There are also many societies that practice polyandry, particularly in parts of the world with scarce natural resources, as it tends to limit population growth and decrease child morbidity.
The problem with your argument is that you see marriage as fundamentally a financial/sexual contract: women want successful men to support them financially. This is not how it works anymore. You also assume that it is only men that have sexual desires that may spill out of a monogamous marriage. Men, in your view, have several options open to them to express their sexuality whereas women have next to none.
Also, I wholeheartedly agree with Camila: guaranteeing access to divorce doesn’t do shit, because often in countries that have legalized polygyny, women do not have custody rights to their children after divorce and other discriminatory laws prevent divorced women from sustaining themselves.
Hello ladies. First of all, thank you all for commenting and discussing.
I agree that when it comes to human practices, if people’s matters are not supported by laws to regulate them, a lot of hassles can happen.
In order to face such a problem, we need two parallel lines; people’s minds and law amendments.
Of course there have to be laws to protect people’s rights when they are by any being taken from them and not just expect people to demand and grab them by their own hands. If that was the case, why would we have laws from the very beginning?
But at least the way things here in Egypt is that people (both women and men) are dealing with the matter as if it is the default like there’s no way to say no or to refuse it.
For that matter, I think Al Bedair’s article was special, because she was trying to address those who think polygamy is so “OK”
Most often than not, polygyny is treated as an escape route by which they can abandon addressing difficulties/problems within a marriage.
i wholeheartedly agreed with Sumera.
and i am wishing to add,many men that i know whom wishing to practice polygamy are not in good position to do so.be it financially,mentally,and emotionally.
many men feel bored with their wives and did not even try to improve it.and started to fish outside.
instead of trying to solve problems,they finding for another problems.
and i do not know any woman that wishing for than one husband. the feeling of sexing (sorry for the word) with more than one man at a time,does not feel good. unless if thats her job which would be another story.
Hi
In the 21 century women are trying very hard to get any opprtunity to study, work and be indepandent.
But it is not that easy for all races,some of them has been bloked under so called religion.
Why women has so many boundries?
why can;t they study, work and do what ever and be free like nen.
i tell you why?
from very begining, men put control on everything that women might want to do through religion.
If you do this than ‘ GOD ” will punish you…..
that is why men always stopped women going to school or working, because if women don’t know nothing than men will use them in any way they can….
I some countries women have come up and become som body but even while they are prime minister in their own countries, women in that countries get burnt,abused,killed,sold,used,etc.
All I can say that
Women, keep shouting, keep demanding, keep hoping ,keep dreaming ,and have faith in you.
You have come this far, I am sure, you will make change.
Change sometime has a price but it is for good future….
so why not kick ass
Get your rights
America has president now who has different color skin..
Anything and evrything can be done…….
[This comment has been edited to fit within comment moderation guidelines.]
[...] Youm. Interestingly, their English language site does not include a translation of the article, but Muslimah Media Watch provides the first couple paragraphs in English, and after which the story was apparently picked up [...]
Suraya and Sumera, That’s why I so much appreciate Al Bedair’s trail. We might have our own reservations on her methos, but the aim is great. Which is to try to change how people look at the whole marriage matter, what our real problems are and how we are used to dealing with them.
And this particular point can’t be much affected by laws, it needs minds liberated from the expected always-used intellectual terrorism that Andy has mentioned in the comment and that can and will In shaa’ Allah be fought by brave women who are ready to do whatever it takes to help making the change take place.
[...] – Muslimah Media Watch: “Husband(s) and Wife: Nadine Al Bedair Writes About Polgamy’s Doub… [...]
Polygyny is allowed so that a man can have more children and so that the surplus of women or the women of conquered tribes would be provided for, not so a man can have an escape from the “boredom” of the same old wife, as though buying a new car. There’s already a natural imbalance in the gender ratio (usually 51% female, 49% male), and when you add in the fact that men are more frequently the victims of accidents, men are killed in warfare, men more frequently die prematurely, etc, it pushes the imbalance even higher, resulting in a surplus of women. It is really sad if men are marrying a second wife for such a shallow reason as sexual boredom. Perhaps the “boredom” is his fault rather than hers? It seems then these men are using a sensible religious tradition to do something senseless and selfish.
Nadine Al Bedair is an amazing woman!She has the guts and the talent to say NO to what is unfair and YES to equality in a subtle and sarcastic way!!!!Change has to come from within, it cannot be exported! Nadine is the first hero but others will follow!
Bravo Nadine et Bravo Al Masry Lyom!!!